Oh how things change…
Hey everyone, sorry I’ve been MIA for a bit. Things have not been slow around here and “busy” seems to be my middle name.
But my world has been turned upside down recently and I feel I need to share that with you.
Music Man will not longer be taking a prime spot on this blog, and Sir Hollywood will be taking over. You’ll remember Sir Hollywood, he’s the funny one I’ve posted the convo with before.
The Sir has been a big player in my life for a few months now. From the first time we hung out we were fast friends and just weren’t spending much time apart. We’ve always had so much fun and have so much in common it’s been a tad ridiculous. Most everyone treated us like we were dating (because they assumed we were) and would then ask “Why not?” when we said we weren’t.
Then about a week ago my friend McLovin got pretty drunk and let spill all these things about Sir Hollywood’s feelings for me and how much better off I would be if I just let the whole Music Man thing go and open my eyes. I didn’t agree one hundred percent with his diagnosis of the situation, I was mainly concerned with the feelings that were brought up. I had been questioning what kind of relationship Sir and I had for a little bit. I had been thinking my feelings might be deeper, but that was/is frightening because he is nothing like what I pictured. Nothing like what I pictured more than just physically, quite a few aspects freaked me out.
But he’s so wonderful, and all I could think of was how he’s my best friend and you’re sort of supposed to be with your best friend. Any arguments I could come up with I could quickly shoot down myself, without consulting anyone. I kept thinking that really, if I was honest with myself, I knew it would be pretty amazing. And even though my natural reaction would usually be to pull away, not talk to him as much and be more careful with physical vicinity, I could help texting him shortly thereafter to share something funny.
I knew I missed him when he wasn’t near me.
I knew I couldn’t wait to share everything about my day with him.
I knew no one else could get me the way he gets me.
I knew I cared for him more than I wanted to freely admit.
So I talked to him and we shared these types of things at first timidly over the phone, and then frankly and honestly the way we share everything else.
And now we’re together and loving every minute. He’s so good to me and I was right, it’s amazing. It’s been like skipping past the awkward dating stuff to the comfortable part in a relationship, because we were such good friends beforehand.
Music Man? I think I was holding onto feelings just to have something to hold onto and protect me from finding someone that might hurt me by acting all great and then breaking my heart like the first guy did. The fact that I could compartmentalize the physical stuff from everything else was a symptom of that.
But then I found someone that blows me away and shows me what good is.
It’s very exciting.
The (ubiquitous) 100 Things List
100. I have a very large ego. I generally think a great deal of myself.
99. I am rather impulsive.
98. That can be a problem when it comes to managing my bank account.
97. I’m addicted to magazines.
96. I’m smarter than I look.
95. I’m also smarter than I probably act sometimes.
94. I will very rarely say “no” to a bottle of wine.
93. It’s possible that I am hyper-sexual.
92. That’s in comparison to a lot of the women I’ve met.
91. Lola is very much an exception to that comparison.
90. This is in spite of being date-raped my sophomore year in college.
89. The guy that did it smelled like whiskey and to this day I can’t drink that particular beverage.
88. It’s pretty much the only thing I won’t drink.
87. That’s actually the only apparent repercussion of that event.
86. I wouldn’t be devastated if I got pregnant unexpectedly.
85. I kind of like giving blow jobs.
84. I really love getting oral sex.
83. I didn’t really intend for this to become a blog all about sex…but hey, I mentioned the hyper-sexual thing, right?
82. I really like the idea of taking my husband’s name when I get married, but I’m not sure I’ll want to. I love my name.
81. I hate cheesy Hallmark cards.
80. I love shuffling cards, I find it calming.
79. I love the scent of beer and cigar smoke on a man.
78. I’m very critical…of others.
77. It takes a lot to impress me.
76. Because of the last two things, I’ve had to learn to smile and nod often.
75. “Good” guys bore me.
74. “Bad” guys irritate me.
73. I like them somewhere close to the middle but leaning towards the “bad” end of the spectrum.
72. To me, the saddest part of me spilling that bit of wine just now is that it was a waste of good wine.
71. I hate having those “talks” with someone and having to be that serious (hence the angst over the talk with Music Man).
70. I think drummers are the sexiest (Travis Barker, feel free to call me sometime).
69. I’ve tried it, didn’t care for it…
68. I have that immature sense of humor that wants to respond “Yes, please” every time there’s a profile or application asking for “Sex: M or F.”
67. I really like my boobs.
66. They’re a 34C.
65. I’ve always thought being in a burlesque show a la Dita Von Teese would be a lot of fun.
64. I’m definitely a shoe whore.
63. It’s a toss up between music and sex.
62. Or between clothes and good wine.
61. I sort of wish I had more wine right now.
60. If you’re going to Starbucks get me an iced grande vanilla soy latte. Thanks.
59. I naturally already have plenty of ideas about my wedding.
57. I would really like to skip the awkwardness of dating and just be comfortable in a relationship.
56. I fucking swear like a sailor.
55. Occasionally, I smoke…usually when I’ve been drinking.
54. I really shouldn’t because it makes my chin break out badly.
53. I’m lactose-intolerant.
52. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve had some tell me, “Omigosh, I could never give up cheese.”
51. I find that really annoying.
50. I have one brother.
49. Still looking for my signature scent, but what I use is fantastic.
48. I’ve never had a song written about me…that I know of.
47. I’ve always wanted one.
46. I tend to be a jealous lover.
45. I think it’s because of the ego, I want to be the center of attention. But I try to be gracious…
44. I hate dishonesty.
43. I’ve had relationships evaporate because of that, I just withdraw when someone starts lying to me.
42. I wear my hair short. It’s hot.
41. I rarely feel understood, but not in a emo way…
40. My legs are amazing.
39. So’s my ass.
38. But it’s my boobs that get all the attention…
37. I’ve been clinically depressed as long as I can remember.
36. I’ve overcome a lot of that, and these days feel more like myself than I ever have in my life.
35. I love the rain and thunderstorms.
34. Sometimes, I still wish I was in college…purely because I didn’t have to schedule in my friends.
33. There are only a couple of people who know about the things I write about in this blog.
32. I’ll probably be that neurotic mother that they make fun of on sitcoms.
31. But I hope I’m the type of mom Rachel Green was (on Friends).
30. I really believe that opposites attract.
29. But…similarities are important too.
28. I contradict myself…occasionally.
27. I love avocados.
26. I thought Scrubs was off the air…is it not? Apparently this is a new episode…
25. I dye my hair.
24. I own Katherine McPhee’s album…and I actually kind of like it.
23. I’m glad this blog is anonymous after admitting that.
22. I think that I could receive oral sex from another girl, but I’m not sure I could bring myself to give it.
21. Was actually not a big birthday from me, I didn’t do much.
20. I’m terrified of death.
19. I don’t think I should have to speak Spanish if I’m not in a Spanish-speaking country.
18. I’m not on birth control.
17. I find it unfortunate that right now, there’s no reason I need to be.
16. Then again…see number 86.
15. I’m extremely intuitive.
14. I sort of like to be dominated…not in an S&M kind of way…just…taken control of…
13. It’s a pretty big deal when I fall for a guy, I have very high standards.
12. I love a foreign accent.
11. I wish I spoke another language flawlessly.
10. I’m pretty musically talented.
9. I’ve always been pretty flexible.
8. I’m not just referring to physically.
7. I’m not what you’d call a “planner” when it comes to “life.”
6. I tend to be a bit of a hypochondriac.
5. Possibly because my family lived in Europe for a lot of my young life and when we came to the states, I started getting sick very often.
4. I also tend to be fairly resistant to various medications because of this (I got them thrown at me a lot…).
3. I can be a bit careless…reckless even.
2. I underestimate my effect on men…which makes me a tease.
1. I think that’s why I like a challenge (Music Man isn’t enthralled with me so naturally he’s the one I want…).
Didn’t think I’d make it…seeing as I’ve been sipping on white wine the whole time. Expect me to be drinking and blogging often enough…
See you in your dreams…
Moving On
We had our meeting, finally.So you can hope that this blog will be devoid of the angst soon.I think it went well. Everything that was absolutely necessary was said. I’m not that good at articulating things when I talk, but I managed to at least say what I wanted to. And now Music Man and I will be able to move on without being awkward, and get to know each other and be friends. And we will all live happily ever after will rainbows, puppies, unicorns, and daisies. I have more confidence in moving forward, at least. And I still wouldn’t mind getting him naked again…but that’s another issue.
Absent
I must apologize for my lack of posts recently, my computer has been on the fritz and trying to get access elsewhere is a challenge.
I feel absent in a lot of other ways as of late, as well. I generally feel very disconnected and feel myself falling into patterns and distancing myself from friendships that I have little reason to distance myself from. It’s not for feeling discontent, I am quite happy with the things around me and who I am. I don’t feel like I desperately need anything.
But still, I often feel misunderstood and frustrated with those around me. It’s getting very emo in here, I know, but stay with me because I’m sure I’ll snap out of it eventually.
Admittedly, a bit/almost a lot of these feelings center around Music Man drama. I requested a meeting with him that we might foster understanding, move beyond awkwardness and generally get ourselves on the same page about our friendship. At first he responded with what I know to be a true statement about his not having any time (he may be the hardest worker I happen to know and stays busier than I do) and asked what I wanted to talk about. I simply came back with another time I could make available to meet for an hour and a flippant remark about discussing Russian literature. Because, the whole point of meeting in person is to get real, honest reactions and not reveal everything through e-mail.
He has since failed to reply to that at all, fully aware of how much I find it rude when someone doesn’t at least acknowledge a message has been received (seriously, it pisses me off).
So now I find myself in the position of having to tell him to man up and give me what I need. If we were talking about sex I’d be more inclined to get to relay such a message quickly. But it’s not about mutual satisfaction, it’s about answering questions that are either real or imagined and having to be awkward once in hopes of not being awkward ever again. I don’t necessarily want to have such a conversation, but I as a mature person that finds honesty a valuble thing (outside of wishing I could have his hands all over me again, because, damn it was so good) know that I need to have the record set straight.
Details could make it easier to understand, but alas, you won’t be getting them because it would take a long time to explain him and I. I can say that I often think I’ve gotten over whatever feelings I might have for my Music Man only to discover later that my feelings (and fantasies) are drifting back in his direction. In fantasy-land I would just be smacking him upside the head and saying, “Really? How do you not see how amazing I am and how is it possible you aren’t falling all over yourself to be with me? You apparently have no idea what you are blinding yourself to.” And then he would be all, “Oh wow, you’re right. Forgive me, Maid, I can’t believe I never realized how perfect you are…let me make it up to you. I do want you, you’re everything I didn’t realize I needed.”
But this is not a fantasy and I really just want the reality of being known for who I am and not the person I was when I met him, a girl who was in a state of being completely destroyed from her most recent break-up. I just want honesty here in the real world.
And so I’m off to write an e-mail to demand I get what I need.
Sob.
When most people say they need a good cry, it implies going home and sobbing into a pillow for…what? A half-hour?
I never say I need a good cry. And if I do need one, today it looks like it manages a time-frame of under five minutes.
My body wanted it. I shook some as I drove home, as my whole person shuddered with a need to release something inside of me. But, as always, my mind wouldn’t allow it. My mind demanded strength, demanded I keep it together, demanded I get over it.
Until I got home, closed the door, set down bags, and pretended I was going to get something from the kitchen. I opened the refrigerator door only to close it almost immediately when I couldn’t see through the hot tears dramatically welling up in my eyes. I couldn’t walk further than the living room, where I collapsed on the floor, stretched out, and let out the first sob.
But my mind still only allowed a few sobs to get through. The tears were unbearable and so stupid, worthless. What would someone say if they saw? How ugly it looked, how ridiculous I was being. Such a drama queen.
I still feel heavy, perhaps my body will win another battle later and silence my mind long enough to shed the stress it holds onto. Because my body is tired of holding it in.
Holding it all in.
How worn I feel from long hours of work, no matter how much I enjoy the job.
How it hurts to want him and him not want me, without even really knowing who I am. With years behind us and berating myself for not just getting over it, and frustration with him for not getting to know me even for the sake of friendship.
How I don’t ever want to be at home. It feels so oppressive, with all the history of things that I want to physically put behind me while they are, for the most part, emotionally behind me.
How tiring it is to play a part, rarely seeing someone look past the pulled-together exterior and compliment who I am. That being my fault, when I don’t want to be vulnerable with anyone.
My mind is still winning. It seems to have more stamina than my body, my body is quickly tiring. My mind and body need grace, and the mind is too proud to accept.
She Will Be Loved
I found out today that someone said some very hurtful things very publicly today about one of my best and truest friends. I was distressed to hear it, as there’s a whole situation behind it and even thought that situation is pretty awful I hate to see things taken to a place where this person feels the need to rip my friend, we’ll call her Lola from now on (hope she likes it), to pieces by preying on her insecurities and supposed flaws. It’s difficult when this other person is supposed to be a friend to me as well, but I feel our friendship is hindered by her failing to be honest with me and often dismissing my feelings and not listening to me.
So Lola had a bad day, and I hate that. I love her very much and don’t want her feeling bad about herself because someone took out their hurt and frustration in a poor fashion. Therefore, I am dedicating my post today to making sure she has a bright spot in her day and feels very, very loved — too loved even.
Dear Lola,
You are fantastic. I don’t know what I did to be blessed with the amazing friends that I have, and when I think on that you are one that I always count in that number. Even when I’m feeling a little jealous of how amazing you look (seriously, don’t lose any weight because I will appear even larger than I already do by comparison), I want to be around you and have fun with you.
You’ve made some mistakes and things have gone badly, but who hasn’t? You’ve handled it all so well and I hate to see other people continue to punish you for it because you’ve been punished enough, especially with the grace that you’ve found in your move to get past all of it. You don’t deserve to be hurt the way that you have. Don’t believe a single word anyone else breathes to the contrary.
You are talented and beautiful in so many ways. Your wit is tough to match and your grammar is impeccable. You are so loving and kind, I am so grateful that you always try to make sure I know you like me. You are gorgeous and sexy and I love that you share my appreciation for knowing how to work a pair of heels. You have such amazing passion and you always seem to know how to take a mess and turn it into something sunny. Your hospitality is something I’ve come to appreciate so much with how often I end up on your couch, and how readily you’ll share your wine. I love that you are so fiery and refuse to apologize for the person you are, your new independence has made that even fiercer and you seem to know yourself even better — making you even sexier somehow. It’s been great to see you like that, and so much easier to accept the terms it comes with that way.
I could go on, but I fear becoming repetitive. Just know that I find these and so many other things about you reason that it’s so easy to be around you and be your friend. They are reasons why I want to be your friend and reasons I am so happy to be your friend.
I don’t even remember how we first bonded or how we first started discovering how much we have in common, how alike we are. Was it as seamless as it now feels? I almost feel as if we were always meant to have each other and understand each other. I never feel ridiculous telling you about whatever is in my head, because I never feel judged or feel like you don’t care because it’s silly. I’m often amazed that you let me ramble on the way I do about the strange things going on in my brain. You never downplay my feelings, you always validate me and accept me for me.
Thank you for being the way you are, for being who you are. I will love you and be your friend no matter what happens to us and no matter what we do. I found this note I wrote about/to you in my journal the other day and I will leave you with it:
Just move to Europe with me and we’ll visit Paris, Prague, Venice, etc., on the weekends and live an idyllic, romantic life. Filled with adventures of our own making and laugh enough to make it the only reason we might cry. You and I, my dear, could live care-free if we were together and far away.
But I know as well as you it won’t fix anything. Perhaps we’d be happily, blissfully ignorant for a stay before we became restless and started looking for meaning or someone to care for and be loyal to of the opposite sex.
Just remember, my love, you and I will always need each other. I will need you, anyway. You and I being so parallel and fluid. I think we could clash and recover easily because with some exceptions we are the same and will understand each other forever. I know you because I know myself, in a way.
No one could wreak havoc with me the way you can. We’re the same kind of crazy, so we can communicate in the same language.
I love you fiercely and loyally, always.
Always,
Your Maid
