Absent
I must apologize for my lack of posts recently, my computer has been on the fritz and trying to get access elsewhere is a challenge.
I feel absent in a lot of other ways as of late, as well. I generally feel very disconnected and feel myself falling into patterns and distancing myself from friendships that I have little reason to distance myself from. It’s not for feeling discontent, I am quite happy with the things around me and who I am. I don’t feel like I desperately need anything.
But still, I often feel misunderstood and frustrated with those around me. It’s getting very emo in here, I know, but stay with me because I’m sure I’ll snap out of it eventually.
Admittedly, a bit/almost a lot of these feelings center around Music Man drama. I requested a meeting with him that we might foster understanding, move beyond awkwardness and generally get ourselves on the same page about our friendship. At first he responded with what I know to be a true statement about his not having any time (he may be the hardest worker I happen to know and stays busier than I do) and asked what I wanted to talk about. I simply came back with another time I could make available to meet for an hour and a flippant remark about discussing Russian literature. Because, the whole point of meeting in person is to get real, honest reactions and not reveal everything through e-mail.
He has since failed to reply to that at all, fully aware of how much I find it rude when someone doesn’t at least acknowledge a message has been received (seriously, it pisses me off).
So now I find myself in the position of having to tell him to man up and give me what I need. If we were talking about sex I’d be more inclined to get to relay such a message quickly. But it’s not about mutual satisfaction, it’s about answering questions that are either real or imagined and having to be awkward once in hopes of not being awkward ever again. I don’t necessarily want to have such a conversation, but I as a mature person that finds honesty a valuble thing (outside of wishing I could have his hands all over me again, because, damn it was so good) know that I need to have the record set straight.
Details could make it easier to understand, but alas, you won’t be getting them because it would take a long time to explain him and I. I can say that I often think I’ve gotten over whatever feelings I might have for my Music Man only to discover later that my feelings (and fantasies) are drifting back in his direction. In fantasy-land I would just be smacking him upside the head and saying, “Really? How do you not see how amazing I am and how is it possible you aren’t falling all over yourself to be with me? You apparently have no idea what you are blinding yourself to.” And then he would be all, “Oh wow, you’re right. Forgive me, Maid, I can’t believe I never realized how perfect you are…let me make it up to you. I do want you, you’re everything I didn’t realize I needed.”
But this is not a fantasy and I really just want the reality of being known for who I am and not the person I was when I met him, a girl who was in a state of being completely destroyed from her most recent break-up. I just want honesty here in the real world.
And so I’m off to write an e-mail to demand I get what I need.
